I'm fucking evil

I grew up inherently thinking I was a "good" person because I existed and experienced my consciousness subjectively. Even when I did shitty things, I didn't really think at my core I was a terrible person. After seeing how selfish I am, and consistently doing absolutely nothing to change it, I now see clearly that I'm cold blooded.

For a long time I've wished my dad would die. He's never done anything wrong to me; I just regret not having a "man" of a father who disciplined their child properly or helped mold them into a man. I'm 22 years old and I live with him, in the house he pays for, and I still hate him. Today we found out he might have cancer. This isn't even a scenario where I feel like I'm the one who caused it, or I feel bad about wishing that. I'm more worried about MYSELF and how I feel no remorse. Maybe I'm a sociopath. I've worked really hard to act like I have empathy, but I don't know if I really feel it.
I'm entirely consumed in how miserable I feel about knowing I'm descending into insanity and I don't have the willpower, discipline or care to pull myself out. The only power I feel like I have anymore is posting stupid little blurbs like this so that I can read the comments that say, "you're not a bad person," and believe them for a few seconds until I take a good objective look at myself. Beating myself up feels good because somebody else has to come save me, and I crave that more than anything since I'm incapable of doing so on my own. It's up to me to change my opinion about myself and take action and responsibility for my life, and I'm not going to fucking do it because I'm a selfish, hateful, arrogant child. All I care about now is getting myself into a position where I can get so much respect and love from people that I can continue justifying my selfishness. I can't act the way I truly feel because rejection is much too painful to me, I would rather lie instead and have the hope that I might be accepted at some point. I blame the world for me feeling this way because I literally (using it in it's completely proper context here) do not understand how to take responsibility.

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Faheem